


laughing over all the noise

by cassieholliday



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, College, F/F, F/M, Internalized Homophobia, Romance, Sapphic Donna, Secret Relationship, Song: Drivers License, TW: Homophobia, alternate first meeting, sapphic amy, some canon divergence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 06:48:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29131338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cassieholliday/pseuds/cassieholliday
Summary: "Donna wondered how Amy was so okay with it, not knowing that Amy would give up everything, every sweatshirt, every friend, every last shred of her dignity if it meant she would have her by her side."What if Donna and Amy had already met long before they crossed paths in DC?
Relationships: Amy Gardner/Donna Moss, Josh Lyman/Donna Moss
Comments: 12
Kudos: 20





	laughing over all the noise

**Author's Note:**

> this began with me wishing there was more amy/donna content out there and ended with 8000 words of angst. inspired by drivers license by olivia rodrigo.  
> disclaimer: i don't own anything!!

Donnatella Moss was 19 when she first crossed paths with Amy Gardner. 

It happened during her freshman year at Brown. Even months into the semester, she continued to show up at her Intro to Political Science class fifteen minutes early. But on this particular day, as she walked into the usually empty lecture hall, she noticed a girl deep in conversation with her professor. Not wanting to interrupt, she stayed by the door, unable to tear her eyes away from the way her face lit up with excitement.

“Well, Amy, this is great work you’re doing here. If you ever need a recommendation for grad school, maybe law school…”

 _Amy._ Donna smiled to herself without knowing why, watching as the brunette beamed and continued to talk eagerly. She decided to retreat back into the hallway and quietly shut the door, standing by it in a daze and holding her textbook to her chest. She didn’t notice the door opening until it forcefully struck her in the arm.

Startled, Donna gasped, the book falling to the floor. She scrambled to pick it up, tripping over her own feet and falling to the floor.

“Shit!” She heard a familiar voice above her. “I’m so sorry, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, I-” Donna, feeling someone clutching her sore shoulder, finally looked up and locked eyes with the girl. _Amy._ Immediately, she forgot what she was talking about, forgot the searing pain in her arm, getting so lost in those brown eyes, concerned and so deep and warm and she could just swim in them-

“Are you sure you’re okay? I’m really so-”

“Yes.” Donna cut her off with a reassuring grin and stood up again, brushing herself off and smoothing out her clothes. “I’m really fine.”

Amy looked down at the textbook and smiled. “Intro to American Politics, huh? Are you a freshman?”

“Yeah. Yes. I am.” Donna laughed nervously, unable to tear her gaze away from Amy’s dimples. “I’m Donna.”

“Amy. I’m a sophomore. It’s a good class. I took it last year.”

Donna nodded, noticing that other students were starting to enter the lecture hall. “I should probably go.”

Before Amy could say another word, the blonde hurried off, and all she could do was watch.

* * *

A week later, Donna found herself in a corner at a crowded party, nursing beer out of a red cup and trying to ignore the taste. She’d been dragged here by some of the girls in her dorm, who had abandoned her not five minutes after getting there.

“No one’s forcing you to drink that, you know.”

Donna was suddenly brought back to real life, almost choking on her drink. She raised her head, her eyes wide, to find the same brunette girl from that lecture hall leaning on the wall next to her. _Amy._ “Sorry, what?”

“If you don’t like the beer, don’t bother with it.” 

“Well, I-” Donna stopped herself, not even knowing what she wanted to say. She wasn’t going to tell this stranger that she was hoping to get dangerously drunk to put herself out of her misery because she was friendless and lonely. She shrugged and continued to sip it with a disgusted face, eliciting a laugh from Amy. God, her _laugh_. It was smooth, not mocking, but understanding, drowning out the music and the yelling and chaos surrounding them. She so desperately wanted to hear it again, wishing beer made her funny and not just light and fuzzy and a bit sad.

“How’s your arm, Donna?” Amy then asked, still sounding genuinely concerned. Donna wondered why just the sound of her own name was enough to send a chill up her body.

“My…” Donna barely breathed out, too fixated on those big brown eyes, so striking that she could see them so clearly in the dark room.

“Donna?”

She quickly snapped out of her daze, noticing the worried look on Amy’s face. “Sorry, what?” She could feel the alcohol catching up with her and set her cup down on the table next to her.

“Is your arm okay?”

“Oh yeah, it’s great. Perfect.” Donna silently cursed herself, wondering why she was suddenly incapable of thinking before she spoke.

“Good.” Amy grinned. There were those dimples again. “You wanna get out of here?”

Donna’s eyes widened at the proposition, and Amy realized what she’d said. “Oh, I- I didn’t mean…” she said, stumbling over her words and smiling nervously. “You just look a little miserable and you’re all alone and I... I could drive you back to your dorm. If you want. I’m sober tonight.”

It was only then that Donna realized how pathetic she must’ve looked in Amy’s eyes, abandoned by her “friends” and standing alone in a corner getting drunk. “I’ll be fine, I live down the street.” she assured her, not actually knowing how she was planning on getting home. As she tried to make her way past Amy, she stumbled over her own feet and suddenly found herself in the girl’s arms.

“Whoa, there,” Amy whispered, and Donna suddenly felt warmer after latching onto Amy’s arm. “Okay, I’m not leaving you like this,” Amy resolved, helping Donna steady herself. Donna nodded and allowed Amy to lead her past the horde of sweaty people and out the door.

The cold November chill startled both of them, and Amy hurriedly helped Donna down the sidewalk and into the passenger’s side of her car. Donna collapsed against the cold leather seat, her eyes not leaving Amy as she got in the driver’s seat and started the car. Donna shivered and Amy immediately noticed that her tank top wasn’t nearly enough for a November night in Rhode Island.

“You cold?” Amy asked. Before Donna could answer, Amy was reaching in the backseat and pulling out a gray sweatshirt with Brown embroidered across the front. She offered it to Donna, who knew that Amy would shoot down any of her objections. She accepted it gratefully, pulling it over her head and attempting to fix her messy hair, not noticing that Amy was admiring her and resisting the urge to fix it herself.

“So, where are we headed?” Amy asked a few moments later as she looked in her rearview mirror and pulled away from the curb.

“Oh, I live in Andrews.”

Amy looked over at the blonde, her eyes widening. “Down the street, Donna? That’s a bit of an exaggeration.” She chuckled. “You were really planning on walking the whole way home? Alone?”

Donna looked away, feeling her cheeks get hot. “I don’t know what I was doing,” she mumbled, embarrassed that she’d let herself get into this situation.

Amy looked at her out of the corner of her eye, sympathetic but not knowing what exactly to say. She drove in silence for a few moments.

Donna draped her head over the side of her seat and gazed at Amy. “So, Amy…” She drifted off when Amy slowed down at a red light.

“So, Donna…” Amy teased her and smiled, her eyes not leaving the road. 

“Why’d you leave with me? Are you lonely and friendless too?”

Amy laughed at that and Donna realized that she had lost all her inhibitions. Before she could apologize, Amy said, “It’s just not my scene. Guys losing their inhibitions and thinking they can say whatever they want to you.” Her smile began to fade. “Honestly, I don’t even know why I went.”

“Hmm.” Donna watched how the red light washed over Amy and reflected in her eyes. As the light turned green and Amy pulled forward, Donna saw her brush a piece of hair out of her face just for it to fall back in her eyes.

Amy could feel Donna’s eyes on her but chose not to think anything of it, focusing on the road and listening to Donna breathe the rest of the way there, feeling a strange sense of comfort having her by her side.

They arrived at Donna’s dorm and Amy stopped the car, looking over at the girl next to her, who was still gazing at her. Donna took a deep breath, noticing the faint smell of Amy’s rosy perfume as she inhaled.

“You okay?” Amy asked softly.

Donna nodded hesitantly, noticing Amy’s hand was resting on the space between them. Without thinking about it, she grasped it and squeezed it. “Fine.”

Amy seemed surprised at the gesture, but she still interlocked her fingers with Donna’s, squeezing back for a moment. Much to Donna’s dismay, Amy quickly let go and looked away. 

Donna tried to hide the mortified look on her face as she reached for the door handle, wishing she could’ve just left well enough alone. She was about to leave before she noticed Amy fumbling around. She pulled out a scrap of paper and a pen and scribbled something quickly, placing it in Donna’s palm and closing her fingers around it, sending another chill through Donna’s body.

“Well, here’s my number, if you… need me.”

 _Need you._ Noted. Donna nodded as Amy let go of her hand, and she resisted the urge to reach for it again.

“You should probably call your friends. Let them know you’re home safe.”

Donna laughed at that. “I really doubt they’d-”

“Donna,” Amy interrupted and looked at her pointedly.

Donna was taken aback by Amy’s sincere care for her. “Yeah, I will.”

Amy watched her enter her dorm, lingering for a moment to make sure she got inside. She couldn’t help but smile at the sight of those blonde locks against her sweatshirt.

* * *

Donna woke up in her bed, not remembering how she got there, and felt her head pounding. She groaned and noticed that her roommate was still asleep. She glanced at her clock to check the time and noticed a crumpled piece of paper next to it.

_603-555-2436. Amy_

She felt the fabric of her sweatshirt and swore she could still smell Amy’s perfume, rosy and clean and light. She folded the scrap of paper and held it to her heart, hearing Amy’s laugh in the back of her head.

She spent two hours pretending to be asleep, staring at the wall and mulling over all the possible ways this situation could end, waiting until her roommate was long gone before mustering up the courage to call the number she’d already memorized.

“Hello?” Amy answered hesitantly.

“Amy. Hi.”

“Donna.” She could hear Amy’s voice lighten. “What’s up? Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, no, everything’s fine…” Donna bit her lip nervously. “I wanted to thank you for getting me home safe.”

“Oh, yeah, of course.”

Donna was silent for a moment. 

“Donna?”

“Yeah. Yes. Um, would you want to go out sometime?” It came out differently than she’d hoped and she silently cursed herself. “As a thank you,” she tries to clarify.

“I’d love to,” Amy said and Donna swore she could hear her grin across the phone.

* * *

The next night, Donna found herself leaned against Amy on a tiny couch in her apartment. She felt like she had been riding a high ever since that phone call, when they’d made plans that ended up with them sipping a milkshake out of the same glass, giggling about their professors and embarrassing stories from high school and their hopes and dreams, which aligned more than they would’ve guessed.

“I never thought I’d have that much fun at this place.” Donna grinned, resting her head on Amy’s shoulder and feeling Amy’s body relax.

“I’m glad.” Amy looked down at her, reaching her hand over and tucking Donna’s blonde strands of hair behind her ear. 

Suddenly, their faces were inches from each other, but neither of them wanted to pull away. Amy reached down to bring Donna’s chin up and kissed her softly, and in that moment, Donna felt it all fall into place.

Donna slowly pulled Amy towards her, exploring her lips and the curve of her cheek with her thumb. Despite wishing this moment would last forever, she reluctantly pulled away. “Amy…”

Amy dropped her hand and her eyes widened. “I’m sorry, Donna, was that-”

“It was perfect,” Donna breathed, resting her forehead against Amy’s and smiling. “I’ve just never… been with…”

Amy smiled warmly and interlocked her fingers with Donna’s. “Then we’ll go slow?”

Donna nodded and brought her hand up to Amy’s cheek, pulling her back in for another kiss. 

Not their first, and certainly not their last.

* * *

Brown had never felt like home until Amy walked into Donna’s life.

Donna never would’ve guessed that she would only feel like she belonged when she acted on a side of herself she’d never known about.

The two had an unspoken agreement- no PDA in public, except for a stolen kiss outside of Donna’s dorm room, interlocked fingers under a table at a crowded restaurant, hands running through each other’s hair when Amy’s roommates weren’t looking.

Donna wondered how Amy was so okay with it, not knowing that Amy would give up everything, every sweatshirt, every friend, every last shred of her dignity if it meant she would have her by her side.

* * *

It was months before Donna found a reason to run.

It was so quiet, so subtle that she almost wished she’d just ignored it.

“I’m gonna head over to Amy’s apartment,” Donna said mindlessly to her roommate, throwing her keys in her bag. “I’ll probably just stay the night and be back in the morning instead of walking home in the dark.”

A scoff.

Donna looked up at Emily, who was stone-faced, flipping through a textbook.

“Something wrong?” Donna asked innocently, continuing to rummage around and throw things in her bag.

Emily didn’t look up. “I don’t know who you think you’re fooling.”

Donna froze, her back still to her. “I don’t know what you mean,” she mumbled, her voice shaky.

Behind her, she heard Emily humming in a way that almost felt mocking. She grabbed her bag, her knuckles white, and rushed out the door. 

That night, Donna sat on Amy’s couch, listening to Amy’s roommates debate about something Donna is too distracted to try to understand. Under the blanket they shared, Amy reached for Donna’s hand and noticed when she pulled away.

* * *

7:00. It wasn’t like Donna to be late. After months of showing up at each other’s place without warning, they knew each other’s schedules to a T, and Donna had never shown up even five minutes late in rain or snow or anything in between.

Donna had been distant lately, insisting nothing was wrong when Amy pressed, but she could barely look Amy in the eye when they weren’t safe in Amy’s room behind a locked door.

Amy chewed her lip when the clock hit 7:15, pacing in her tiny kitchen and trying not to worry. Sure, they were just planning on studying together, but Donna knew to call if she was going to be late, if she wasn’t going to be able to make it-

Her thoughts were interrupted by a light knock on her door. She sped towards it, opening it excitedly, but the last thing she expected to see was Donna with her arms crossed and her eyes red and puffy.

“Donna, what’s-” Amy barely had time to get a word in before Donna shook her head.

“Amy, I can’t…”

“Can’t what, honey?”

“Please don’t call me...” Donna cut her off, looking like she was about to pass out. She looked at the ground and tapped her foot. “I can’t do this anymore. Us.”

Amy’s face hardened and she felt a sharp pang in her stomach. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m leaving.”

“What are you… Donna, sit down.” Amy gently grabbed her arm and pulled her into the apartment, closing the door, but Donna refused to come any farther inside.

“I’m gonna transfer. To Wisconsin. I have to go home.”

“What? Wait, slow down-”

Donna cut her off again. “I can’t be here anymore. I can’t be here with you.”

 _With you._ It stung. “Donna, this isn’t you…”

Donna’s face contorted at that. “Please don’t make this any harder than it already is…”

Amy scoffed. “You think this is hard for _you?_ I-”

“My dad is sick.” Donna’s voice broke on the last word, and Amy’s demeanor immediately softened. “I just found out, and it’s gonna be a lot for him, and I can’t be this far away from him, especially when I don’t know what could happen-”

“Okay, okay,” Amy reassured her, pulling her into a hug, but Donna was tense against her body. “Of course, you need to be near him.”

“Yeah,” Donna mumbled into Amy’s shoulder before finally pulling away.

Amy grabbed Donna’s hands. “We can make it work. I can fly to Wisconsin every break and we can…” Amy stops herself when she realizes Donna is still staring at the ground, her jaw clenched. “You don’t want to.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to, I just can’t-”

“You can’t what?” She finally let go of Donna’s hands and crossed her arms.

“Look, Amy, my parents don’t even know about us, or about me, and I just don’t think-”

“You don’t think I’m worth it.” Amy noticed how her words cut into Donna, leaving her feeling defeated.

“I never said that,” Donna whispered.

Amy’s eyes were piercing now, something Donna had never seen in all of the months they spent together. Donna shook her head and Amy noticed another tear fall down her cheek as she turned and walked out the door.

* * *

A week later, Amy opened her door to a cardboard box with all of the small pieces of her life she’d so carelessly given away. At the bottom, a gray sweatshirt with Brown embroidered across the front, slightly worn, that vaguely smelled like fresh cut flowers. _Donna_.

* * *

Donna Moss loved her job. Every now and then, she wished she could do something more meaningful, but she was proud of what she did. She wished the nervous little Brown freshman and the Wisconsin sophomore college dropout she once was could see her now.

Donna walked into Josh’s office for what felt like the millionth time. “Josh?”

A groan. “Could I get five minutes without being interrupted by banality?” Josh was clearly irritated, his eyes glued to the papers on his desk.

“It’s not banality,” Josh heard the First Lady say as she was wheeled into his office. “It’s the boss’s wife.” 

Donna fought the urge to smile as Josh stood up looking like a deer caught in headlights, his demeanor immediately changing. “Good morning, ma’am.”

“Good morning, Josh,” Abbey said with a grin.

Josh looked at Donna, his eyes still wide. “A little heads-up wouldn’t be out of line.”

She shrugged at him. “I said Josh,” she said over her shoulder as she went to return to her desk.

“What can I do for you, ma’am?” she heard Josh ask Abbey behind her.

“I got a letter from Amy Gardner.”

Donna stopped in her tracks. The rest of Josh and Abbey’s conversation became background noise as her head began to spin. _Amy Gardner._ All it took was two words for her to be transported back to a time in her life that she’d blocked out. Shared sweatshirts and textbooks and flannels and milkshakes sipped across a diner booth. Amy Gardner, the first and last woman she’d ever let herself get close to. The last time she’d felt another girl’s lips on her own.

Donna slowly made her way back to her desk and sat in her chair, all of her responsibilities becoming a distant memory. Paralyzed at her desk, she didn’t realize how much time had passed until Josh bellowed for her and she realized the First Lady was long gone.

She composed herself and walked into Josh’s office, her hands clasped in front of her. This time, he wasn’t glued to his work, but standing and staring at her with a curious look on his face.

“Donna, I need you to make an appointment for me,” he said, and she was grateful that he didn’t see the change in her demeanor. “Amy Gardner at the Women’s Leadership Council.”

She flinched at the name, bringing her eyes up to his, and this time, Josh noticed. “What, do you know her?”

“No, I don’t,” Donna said without even thinking about it. “I’ll go make that appointment for you.”

She’s about to turn away and head for the phone on her desk when he adds, “She dated my roommate when I was at Yale…”

Donna froze. Josh knew her. He knew _her_ Amy. Not that she had any right to say she was hers anymore; she’d given up that right all those years ago.

“She was always storming into our apartment, irate about one thing or another,” Josh reminisced, staring off into the distance.

Donna’s brows furrowed at that thought. The Amy she’d known was passionate, sure, but she wouldn’t hurt a fly. But that was in another lifetime. She quickly snapped out of her daze and left Josh’s office without another word, praying that Amy had an assistant who would pick up the phone.

* * *

“Are you dating your assistant?”

Amy had missed flirting with Josh in all the years since law school. With her back to him, she looked through the memos that had been sitting on her desk.

“No.”

“I heard you might be,” she teased him, keeping a straight face as she turned to face him.

“I’m not, Donna and I aren’t-” He sighed, not noticing Amy’s eyes narrowing.

“Donna?” She didn’t know why she was pushing him, because there was no way-

“Yeah, Donna Moss, my assistant. I don’t know what you’ve heard, but… we’re not… that’s not important.”

Amy gulped, immediately turning around again and trying to hide her reaction from Josh. 

_Donna Moss._ Donna, who was the first person she’d allowed to get to know her deeper than just the taste of her lips, who truly knew her better than she knew herself, had, by some cruel twist of fate, ended up Josh’s assistant.

She was brought out of her daze by the sound of Josh shuffling around behind her. “I have to go.”

* * *

Donna knew that Josh’s infatuation with Amy was inevitable. She tried to sidestep his quips about Amy and realized how jealous she may have seemed- of who, she wasn’t completely sure. She tried to resist thinking about the brunette who would show up at her door with the most beautiful smile, who once saved her from a party where all she wanted was to lose herself.

It was an unusually loud day in the bullpen when Donna picked up the ringing phone on her desk and rested it between her head and her shoulder. “Josh Lyman’s office,” she said, as always, as she scribbled on her notepad.

Silence on the other end.

“Hello?” Donna asked, unfazed by the silence, still looking at her notepad.

“Donna.” 

The phone nearly dropped to the ground when she heard that all-too-familiar sound. She set the notepad down. “Amy?” she asked a bit too loudly.

Donna didn’t even notice Josh rushing behind her and heading towards his office to pick up the call until he was standing right in front of her. “Patch me through,” he mouthedz

“Hang on just a second,” she mumbled into the phone as Josh walked away. She pressed the hold button and inadvertently slammed the phone down, not realizing that the chaos of the bullpen had quieted down and all eyes were on her.

* * *

They never told Donna why she was locked out of Abbey’s birthday party, even when Josh pressed for answers. So when she was finally told that she was allowed in, she was eager to finally snack on something other than Josh’s pathetic offering of olives, but he stopped her in her tracks.

“Donna, before you go in there, can you see if you can find Amy for me?”

Donna’s heart nearly stopped. For weeks, she had been able to avoid seeing Amy, only crossing paths with her for ten seconds at a time when she patched her calls through to Josh. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I’ll go do that.” She swallowed and brushed past him. Josh furrowed his brow at her hesitation, but let her walk away.

Donna peeked into the many rooms of the White House, finally stumbling upon what appeared to be a massive closet and hearing the sounds of glasses clinking and laughter.

“Donna!” the First Lady exclaimed before the reality of the situation could even sink in. Donna could barely move before Amy’s head whipped around and their eyes locked for the first time in years. Underneath the makeup and the stone cold expression, Donna could see some semblance of that sophomore who had once been so kind, so welcoming, so comforting.

“Donna, are you alright?” Abbey asked, swirling her wine around in her glass.

“Yes, I’m sorry to interrupt, ma’am. Josh was just looking for Amy.”

Amy gulped at the sound of her own name, any mention of Josh already forgotten. Suddenly feeling like a stranger in her own skin, she brought her glass to her lips and finished off her wine in one fell swoop.

“Well, she’s right here!” Abbey smiled, not seeming to notice the sorry excuse for a staring contest happening between Donna and Amy. “Where have you been all night?”

Donna finally looked at the First Lady. “Well, it’s a little tough to explain, ma’am… I just had some trouble getting into the party, but they’ve let me in, so I should be going now.” She almost tripped over her own feet trying to rush out of the room, but Abbey had other plans.

“Why don’t you stay and have some wine with us?”

Donna froze, startled by the idea of spending any more time with Amy than she had intended. But the First Lady was asking, and she couldn’t say no.

“That’s very nice of you.” Donna smiled and tried to regain her composure. As she watched C.J. struggle to open a bottle of wine, she pondered staying sober for the night, but she wasn’t sure she could get through this without some kind of artificial courage. Donna knew that Amy was sitting next to Abbey and sipping her wine, but she did everything in her power to keep their eyes from meeting once again.

Donna sat down next to C.J., and before she knew it, she was three glasses deep and her mind was fuzzy. She felt warm and unexpectedly happy, leaning on C.J.’s shoulder and drifting off. She’d been silent all night, content with listening to Abbey and C.J. and unaffected by Amy’s voice, so much more piercing than she remembered- that is, until they began discussing Abbey’s medical license.

She listened to Amy talk about mammograms and clinical trials and nutrition programs and child immunizations and juvenile diabetes, admiring the sound of her voice instead of listening to what she had to say. It wasn’t until Abbey said, “I’m a doctor,” that Donna felt compelled to say something for the first time that night. 

“Oh, Mrs. Bartlet, for crying out loud, you were also a doctor when your husband said, ‘Give me the drugs and don’t tell anybody,’ and you did it.”

The magnitude of what she’d just said didn’t hit her until moments later, when she realized the room was filled with an uncomfortable silence and the three women were staring at her with wide eyes.

She tried to sit up but realized she was too lightheaded. “Oh my God… oh God, I’m so sorry, Mrs. Bartlet-”

“It’s okay,” Abbey assured her, still slightly in shock. Donna didn’t believe her for a second.

She looked at the ground, feeling Amy’s eyes on her once again, and she felt a certain feeling in her stomach for the first time in years. A potent mix of regret and dread and, for fucked-up reasons Donna couldn’t comprehend, anticipation.

Suddenly, Abbey placed her drink on the table and got up. “Let’s go back to the party.” She approached the door with C.J. following close behind. 

Donna wanted to follow them, but she felt paralyzed by what the alcohol made her do, and at the prospect of what she might do. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed that Amy wasn’t moving, sprawled in what seemed like an uncomfortable position on the couch. She could still feel her eyes on her and she suddenly felt self conscious.

She grabbed onto the edge of the table and attempted to get up steadily, but she could feel the alcohol going straight to her head. She sat back down for a moment and closed her eyes, her head in her hands. She hoped that when she came back to the real world, she would be sitting alone, and this would all be a hazy memory of a nightmare.

She wasn’t so lucky.

“What was that about?”

Of course Amy would break the silence. Donna didn’t respond, but she found it in her to finally face the woman in front of her head-on. Maybe it was just the wine going to her head, but she swore she could see a hint of concern in her face. It was all too familiar, even a decade later, and Donna almost wanted to smile at the thought. A moment later, Amy finally stood up, steadied herself, swallowed her pride, and stuck her hand out.

Amy didn’t know what to expect, but Donna took her hand tentatively and stood up, and suddenly her face was much closer to Amy’s than she’d intended. Her entire body was suddenly on fire, and Amy’s body was like a magnet pulling her in.

“You should go.” Donna mumbled breathlessly. “Josh is probably waiting for you.” 

“Let him wait,” Amy said immediately, cupping Donna’s cheek with her free hand. Donna was surprised by her touch, but she still didn’t pull away.

Amy’s eyes were dark, much darker than Donna had ever seen them before, filled with desire and maybe a hint of pent-up anger.

Donna looked towards the door, where a man was guarding the door. “Amy, I can’t. Josh-” She stopped herself, not knowing what she was about to say.

Amy stepped away from her, bringing her hands back to the sides of her body. “Why are you so worried about Josh?” She looked hurt, for reasons Donna couldn’t comprehend. “I told him I didn’t know you, but God, Donna, he doesn’t even know you’ve been with women? Does anyone?”

Donna avoided her gaze, smoothing out her dress. “He’s my boss. He doesn’t need to know anything.”

Amy stared at her, a hint of a smirk forming on her lips. “Well, he’s not here right now, is he?”

Donna couldn’t argue with that, even if she wanted to.

And when Amy brought her lips to her own, she didn’t resist. 

It was soft and tentative, a sharp contrast to the anger that had spread out and filled the room like a cloud of smoke just a moment ago. Donna allowed Amy to bring her hand to her cheek again and smooth out her blonde hair with her fingers. It had been so long since she had let herself feel another woman’s touch, and she couldn’t stop herself from moaning at the fruity taste of Amy’s wine-stained lips.

After a moment, she pulled away. “Amy, you’re with Josh…”

“I don’t want Josh. I want you.”

Amy kissed her again, harder this time, as if she had waited an entire lifetime to feel Donna’s lips again. It was familiar, but it was also as if they were meeting for the first time, after they had both gone on such different paths to get here- wine drunk after gossiping with the First Lady. They had both forgotten how they’d ended up in this situation, so mesmerized by each other, until C.J. entered the room, the clicking of her heels going unnoticed.

“Have you guys seen my-” The clicking stopped. “Oh.”

Donna pulled away from Amy so hard that she nearly fell backwards onto the couch, having to grab onto the side table next to it and nearly knocking a lamp over. All three of them were silent as Donna and Amy stared at the ground, Amy unconsciously touching her fingers to her lips. C.J. stared blankly at the space between them. “Sorry to interrupt, I was just looking for my... bag…” She stepped between them and grabbed the small purse on the table, awkwardly waving it in front of her as if to signify that her mission was complete.

“C.J., please don’t tell anyone what you saw,” Donna whispered, her eyes beginning to well up with tears. She refused to look at Amy, knowing damn well that she could see her expression, but not wanting it to become real.

“Yeah. Yeah, no, of course not.” C.J. nodded aggressively, needing Donna to know how genuine she was.

Amy’s eyes narrowed at Donna as C.J. quickly left the room. “So I guess nothing’s changed, huh?”

Donna scoffed and finally headed towards the hallway and towards the party. “Why did you have to _do_ _that_?” she muttered, not meaning for it to come out as loud as it did.

“You kissed me back!” Amy whispered in disbelief, following her down the hallway and towards the music and chatter in the ballroom. 

“Amy, please,” Donna pleaded, turning around and stopping Amy in her tracks. “We’ve both had too much to drink. Can we just pretend it never happened?”

Amy didn’t even bother trying to hide the hurt on her face, shoving past Donna and making her way towards the party.

* * *

Donna knew that she would be seeing Amy around the building. It was inevitable. They hadn’t spoken about what had happened at the party, and Donna didn’t plan to bring it up at any point. A small part of her wanted to tell Josh. She wanted to tell him that she saw how miserable Amy made him, that she knew why he felt like she wasn’t giving her whole self to him. She and Josh didn’t hide things from each other. It wasn’t them. But she didn’t have it in her to show him this side of herself she’d avoided for so long.

“You got a fax from Amy.” Donna had become quite good at hiding her emotions when it came to Amy, though she wasn’t sure what those emotions were. Not quite anger, not quite infatuation, but something that formed in the pit of her stomach at the thought of her.

“What does it say?” Josh asked.

“It looks like it’s just some campaign updates,” Donna said as she skimmed over the papers. 

“Read it to me,” Josh insisted.

“Low-dollar program capped at 37k, three new national endorsements including Sierra Club and NARAL, latter on promise of opposition to partial birth ban. Mrs. B says you’re encouraging her to hire a new chief of staff, need Treasury breakdown of cap gains cut, First Lady took your advice…” Donna trailed off and paused, not sure she was seeing correctly. “She just hired me.”

Josh looked up, clearly surprised. Donna read those words over and over again, not convinced she’d read them right. _Hired me._ As knots formed in her stomach, she continued hesitantly. “Weather here is 74 degrees and partly cloudy.” She resisted the urge to scoff at that. “Well. A whole new chapter begins,” she mumbled, not sure what else there was to say.

* * *

A soft smile from Josh’s doorway, a wave from across a crowded ballroom.

They learned to more than just tolerate each other.

* * *

“Hey, Donna?” Amy rushed towards Donna, who was surprised by the woman’s sudden eagerness to talk to her. “The First Lady wanted you to know that Mary and Fred Wellington are back on the trip, so we need to deal with that.”

“Alright,” Donna mumbled, offering a closed-lipped smile as she sorted through Josh’s mail.

“Yeah…” Amy sounded like she wasn’t quite done. “You know, Josh came by this morning to show me a list of six possible nominees for VP, and I thought it was a very good list. And I said, ‘Wow, well, this is a windfall.’ And… he got very quiet, and it occurred to me after he left that he may have thought that I meant that it’s great that the Vice President had to resign ‘cause now we get one of these guys.” She paused, watching Donna continue to sort through her mail. “Did he happen to mention anything about that?”

Donna shook her head, continuing to go about her business. 

“I didn’t mean it was good the Vice President had to resign,” Amy offered, starting to walk away.

Donna knew that, but she didn’t think her opinion would hold much weight here. “I’ll tell Josh about the Wellingtons,” Donna shouted after Amy, watching her disappear around the corner.

* * *

Hours later, Donna was on her way out of the bullpen for Zoey’s commencement when Amy caught up with her. “Donna, I was just coming to see you…” 

Donna looked over her shoulder. “Oh, I wasn’t able to talk to Josh yet about the Wellingtons.”

“Yeah, you don’t need to. They’re off the list again. That’s why I was coming.”

“Okay, then. One less thing,” Donna said, knowing that one less responsibility wouldn’t actually make her schedule any easier, but not knowing what else to say.

She could practically feel Amy’s nervousness wash over her. “Josh was offended ‘cause I called the list a windfall, wasn’t he?” Amy blurted out.

Donna sighed, wondering why Amy was suddenly coming to her about Josh. “He’s not.”

“I meant the list of candidates was good. I didn’t mean-” Amy sighed. “Why does he take these things this seriously?”

“If it bothered him, he’s forgotten it by now…” Donna trailed off as they walked outside, “...like the car that was supposed to be here.” She looked around, already feeling the sun begin to pound on her in the sweltering May heat.

“Well, you could come in mine.”

Donna was startled by the offer, but at that moment, it was her only chance of making it to the President’s daughter’s graduation on time. She nodded and followed Amy towards her car.

They sat quietly during the car ride to Georgetown, not knowing how to fill the silence in the traffic. It was quite the contrast from the busy halls of the White House, where Donna could usually find an excuse to be anywhere Amy wasn’t. 

In the quiet, Donna thought about how many times she’d been in Amy’s passenger seat before. They’d never needed to fill the silence before, always laughing or debating about one thing or another, with the occasional quick kiss at a red light. But now, Donna picked at her nails and stared straight ahead, her stomach in knots.

She noticed that Amy was tapping her fingers on the steering wheel as she weaved through D.C. “Thanks for driving me,” Donna said with a smile.

“Yeah, of course,” Amy offered. It came out so easily, as if she had known Donna for years, as if offering her a ride wasn’t incredibly nerve-racking.

Donna expected them to return to silence, and she was okay with that.

“I’ve been meaning to ask…” Amy begins, and Donna resists the urge to roll her eyes. She can’t spend another moment listening to Amy try to psychoanalyze Josh, _her_ Josh, who Amy would never in a million years begin to understand-

“...about your dad.”

Oh.

Donna relaxed slightly. “Well, he’s alright. He’s been healthy for years now. It was scary there for a while. He wasn’t supposed to make it this long…” Donna was transported back to a time when every phone call felt like her world was about to end, when she wished she’d had someone by her side through it all, but she hadn’t been so damn terrified.

She wondered if Amy could sense the things that were left unsaid, watching as she smiled and just said, “Good.”

Donna nodded, not knowing if Amy would notice, but unsure of what to do or say next.

And then. “I missed this,” Amy said, so quietly that Donna wasn’t sure she was supposed to hear it.

Donna didn’t want to respond until she looked over and saw Amy’s soft smile, and she noticed those dimples. She even noticed a bit of sadness, nostalgia for another lifetime. “Yeah.”

Amy seemed caught off guard by that, loosening her grip on the steering wheel. As they approached Georgetown, they became comfortable in their shared silence, the sounds of cars honking becoming sweet, sweet music to their ears.

* * *

That night, Donna was catching up on her work when she noticed Amy entering the bullpen. “You’re here late.”

“I can’t believe you’re here.” Amy grinned. “I was just gonna leave a note on your desk.”

“I had a thing canceled, so I’m catching up,” Donna said mindlessly, shuffling through her papers.

“I just wanted to let you know, the Wellingtons are back on for A-PEC.”

Donna looked up at Amy and groaned. “That’s going to be a problem.”

“I know, but Human Rights Watch, Amnesty- we need their help three times a week. Is there a side meeting they can play a role in?”

“There might be. That’s a good idea.”

“You got a few minutes to work with me?”

Donna hesitated before nodding. “Yeah.” She had become good at keeping things professional, keeping her emotions in check, learning to put on a poker face when it came to these things.

Moments later, they were sitting in the bullpen with beers, papers spread out haphazardly. “There’s a side meeting, closed to the press, on agricultural concentration,” Donna said.

Amy chuckled. “I was thinking more in the human rights family.”

“Hmm, a group session on displaced workers?”

Amy wasn’t satisfied. “What about prison labor?”

“No, but labor law enforcement, a joint DOL/USTR session.”

“Mmm… sold!” Amy beamed.

“There it is.” Donna sat back, relieved, and grabbed the beer on her desk, finally feeling like she could enjoy herself for the first time that day.

“I’m not gonna get an answer about what I said to Josh, am I?” Amy immediately asked, taking a sip of her beer. “It’s just eating at me.”

Donna shook her head, trying to think of a way to change the subject and failing. “I don’t know why.”

“‘Cause it’s eating at him, and I don’t know why.”

“Really?” Donna asked, obviously confused.

Amy stared at her blankly. “I understand why Josh may have been offended by what I said, even though it was misinterpreted. What I don’t understand is that both times we’ve spoken about it, it seemed like _you_ were, too.” 

Donna laughed softly, not sure if it was Amy’s words or the sudden defensive tone in her voice that she found humorous. “No, I understood what you were saying. Josh worked for Hoynes for a long time. There was a reason.”

Amy raised her eyebrows. “He left him,” she said, raising her beer to her lips again.

“And if you think that was easy, you’re crazy. Josh doesn’t leave people,” Donna said matter-of-factly.

“I get that he was close to Hoynes. What I don’t get-”

Donna, clearly irritated, cut her off. “You have to get Josh _.”_

Amy’s eyes finally met hers, and Donna reached for her beer, taking a sip before continuing. “His sister died in a fire. She was babysitting him. She tried to put it out, he ran outside. He went off campaigning, his father died. He wakes up in a hospital and discovers the President’s been shot.” Donna slammed the book in front of her shut as Amy stared at her in disbelief. “He goes through every day worried that somebody he likes is gonna die, and it’s gonna be his fault. What do you think makes him walk so fast?” Donna clutched the books in front of her and stood up, not wanting to deal with Amy’s gaze.

Amy toyed with the beer bottles in front of her, her mind racing. She’d never seen this side of Donna, this fiercely defensive, passionate side that had always been simmering on the surface but never quite came out until now.

Donna continued. “Anyway, when you looked at the list of replacements and said ‘That’s a windfall,’ what he heard was ‘Thank you Josh, you did it again. More for us.” She clenched her jaw at the thought of Josh’s reaction to Amy’s words.

“You said you have to _get_ Josh…” Amy trailed off.

“Yeah,” Donna said, picking up a book and flipping through it. She laughed nervously. “That was… I didn’t mean to say that you don’t… get him.”

“You in love with Josh?” Amy asked as casually as possible, sipping her beer once again.

Donna could’ve sworn her heart skipped a beat. For a few moments, her gaze didn’t move from the book in her hands, and she wondered if she could stay like this forever, frozen in time, never having to confront the question.

“Donna?”

She gulped and dropped the book on the desk, turning to face Amy but refusing to let their eyes meet. “Amy, if this is about what happened between us, I’m sorry, but that was over a decade ago. I-”

“What happened between us?” Amy asked dejectedly, walking over to Donna. “Donna, how can you be so... okay?”

 _Okay._ Donna wanted to laugh at how wrong Amy was, but instead, she was focused on how close their faces were- too close, but Donna didn't pull away. 

“Amy, I-”

Their lips were inches from touching now, and Donna watched intently as Amy’s eyes flickered to her lips.

“Donna.”

“But Josh-” 

“I don’t care about Josh.”

“But I do.”

Amy’s eyes opened at that, and she stepped back, those three words feeling like a dagger in her gut. Donna’s eyes looked glassy- from the beer or from the weight of that confession, Amy wasn’t sure.

“So you love him.”

“I didn’t say-”

“Did you ever love me?”

Donna stared at the ground for a few moments too long, and Amy scoffed and was about to turn around and leave when she heard a hesitant, so quiet, barely there, “yes.”

Amy froze, her eyes stinging with tears. She was searching for something, anything to say that would make sense in this moment when she heard a phone ringing.

“Josh Lyman’s office.” Amy wondered how in the hell Donna could regain her composure and answer Josh’s phone with the same level of professionalism she’d heard so many times before.

“Josh? Wait, Josh, slow down…” Amy watched as Donna’s face contorted with confusion until her eyes widened. “Zoey?”

* * *

“The President-Elect wants to talk to you about Carol Gellsey.”

Amy looked up from the wine she was pouring as Josh entered the room. It had been years since they’d last spoken like this, and the last place she expected to be reconnecting with him was at the Vice President-Elect’s celebration of life. “Really?”

“Yes.”

Amy grinned. “You’re a good man. You have a good soul. And nice hair.”

“How’s your lumberjack?” Josh asked as he sipped his wine.

“She’s a wood sculptor, and she’s happy all the time.”

Josh smirked at “she,” and Amy smacked him on the arm. “Yes, she.” Amy said. “She doesn’t race me anywhere.”

“That’s great.”

“It’s civilized.” She tried to hide behind her words, not wanting to reveal that civilized was all it was, that she couldn’t even try to love someone else when there was one woman still stuck in the back of her mind.

“That’s what it sounds like.”

“Don’t mock. You should try it.”

Josh laughed as he swallowed his drink. “Sure.”

“I have a name for you.”

Josh sighed, leaning against the table. “We already did VP. If you try and staff my whole cabinet-”

“No, for you. For sex and civilized conversation.”

Josh laughed again. “Your sales pitch is a little flimsy.”

“Sarah Potrero. She’s a good friend, and you don’t deserve her, but the world’s a cold place.”

“We shouldn’t do this…” Josh looked uncomfortable, swirling the wine in his glass around and trying to look anywhere other than Amy.

“It’s time, Joshua. You’re approaching the age where people shake their heads and roll their eyes.” 

He wondered why she suddenly cared so much about his love life. “Now you’re channelling my mother.”

It was then that Amy noticed Donna walking into the lobby and making a beeline for Josh. She’d seen her on TV as Santos’ spokesperson, always noticing how her wispy bangs made her look so much like the college kid she’d known so long ago. She wondered if the blonde even noticed her as she walked in. They hadn’t encountered each other since Amy had left the White House and Donna watched her leave, wondering if she’d ever get the chance to say all that was left unsaid. 

“We should get up to the residence,” Donna said to Josh.

Amy turned her back to Donna. “Do you know Sarah Potrero?”

Donna was startled, not having heard that voice in years. “Amy, hi.” No response. She bit her lip and felt her mouth go dry. “Sarah Potrero from Justice?” she squeaked out.

“Yeah. Don’t you think Josh should give her a call?” Amy asked, holding her wine glass tightly as she turned around to look at Donna.

“For a date,” Josh added, fighting back a smile as he looked at Donna.

“With you?” Donna looked at Josh in disbelief. “Well, Sarah’s a real sweetheart, but...”

“See, Josh? Exactly…” Amy trailed off as she saw Donna’s hand around Josh’s arm. She looked into Donna’s eyes, expecting to see empty coldness. But there was something there, a semblance of emotion- nostalgia? Regret? Sadness?

She was so taken aback that she didn’t notice the President-Elect walk in and make a quip about the happy couple until he said her name. “Amy?”

“Mr. President-Elect,” she said breathlessly, torn between the ghost of a past love and the prospect of her future.

“So good to see you.”

“We’ll let you guys catch up. We will go far… far away.” Josh smirked and Amy watched him place his hand on Donna’s shoulder. She heard the President-Elect talking about Carol Gellsey and this and that, but all she could do was watch the blonde walk away. She heard her laugh as Josh leaned over and whispered in her ear. 

As Donna disappeared around the corner, Amy thought of all the nights she had spent lying awake, staring at the ceiling, wondering where it all went wrong. But for now, all she could do was hope that someday, perhaps in another lifetime, she would feel those lips once more- or, at the very least, that she would be able to get rid of the gray sweatshirt with embroidered letters on the front that was neatly folded in the back of her closet.

**Author's Note:**

> i would love to hear your feedback!! if you liked it, leave a comment or find me on twitter @lymandonnatella :)  
> thank you evie for the inspiration and for beta reading!


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